Here are the best of the jokes, poems, and stories that my coworker Paul shared with us all in the office.

A few days ago I was having some work done at the local Ford dealership. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten part/

We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"

She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine; I have lost it and need a new one." She said that she did not know what it was but this piece had always been there.

He gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710.

He then took her over to another car, which had its hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?

She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right "th ere."

One day, a poor boy who was selling goods from door to door to pay his way through school, found he had only one thin dime left, and he was hungry.

He decided he would ask for a meal at the next house. However, he lost his nerve when a lovely young woman opened the door.

Instead of a meal he asked for a drink of water. She thought he looked hungry so brought him a large glass of milk. He drank it slowly, and then asked, how much do I owe you?

You don't owe me anything, she replied. "Mother has taught us never to accept pay for a kindness."

He said, "Then I thank you from my heart."

As Howard Kelly left that house, he not only felt stronger physically, but his faith in God and man was strong also. He had been ready to give up and quit.

Many years later that same young woman became critically ill. The local doctors were baffled!

They finally sent her to the big city, where they called in specialists to study her rare disease.

   Dr. Howard Kelly was called in for the consultation. When he heard the name of the town she came from, a strange light filled his eyes.

Immediately he rose and went down the hall of the hospital to her room.

   Dressed in his doctor's gown he went in to see her. He recognized her at once.

   He went back to the consultation room determined to do his best to save her life. From that day he gave special attention to her case.

   After a long struggle, the battle was won.

    Dr. Kelly requested the business office to pass the final bill to him for approval. He looked at it, then wrote something on the edge and the bill was sent to her room.

She feared to open it, for she was sure it would take the rest of her life to pay for it all.

   Finally she looked, and something caught her attention on the side of the bill. She read these words.....

"Paid in full with one glass of milk"

   (Signed) Dr. Howard Kelly.

Tears of joy flooded her eyes as her happy heart prayed: "Thank You, God, that Your love has spread broad through human hearts and hands."

There's a saying which goes something like this:

Bread cast on the waters comes back to you. The good deed you do today may benefit you or someone you love at the least expected time. If you never see the deed again at least you will have made the world a better place - And, after all, isn't that what life is all about?

Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated
Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests:

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the
trashcan under the table, and notice that the trashcan is
full.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I
take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk
where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the
Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put
it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the coke, a vase of flowers on
the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.

I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading
glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going
to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container
with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be
looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on
the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where
it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels
and wipe up the spill.

At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't
paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the
flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my
checkbook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm
really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really
tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some
help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you
know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.

GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY.
GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL
LAUGHING AT YOUR SELF IS THERAPEUTIC!

1. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

2. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.

3. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.

4. When you say, "I love you," mean it.

5. When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye.

6. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.

7. Believe in love at first sight.

8. Never laugh at anyone's dream. People who don't have dreams don't have much.

9. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.

10. In disagreements, fight fairly, No name calling.

11. Don't judge people by their relatives.

12. Talk slowly but think quickly.

13. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"

14. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk..

15. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.

16. When you lose, don't lose the lesson .

17. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and responsibility for all your actions.

18. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship..

19. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

20. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.

21. Spend some time alone.

The attached is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by a 96 year-old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.

-----------------------------------------------

To whom it may concern,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his depositing the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly transfer of funds from my modest savings account, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty-one years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, prerecorded, faceless entity which your bank has recently become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact Status form which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Please allow me to level the playing field even further. When you call me, you will now have a menu of options on my new voice mail system to choose from.

Please press the buttons as follows:
1.      To make an appointment to see me.
2.      To query a missing payment.
3.      To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4.      To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5.      To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6.      To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7.      To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.
8.      To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9.      To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
       Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee of $50 to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. Please credit my account after each occasion.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.

Your Humble Client,

(Remember: This was written by a 96 year old woman)

CHRISTIAN ONE LINERS

Don't let your worries get the best of you;
Remember, Moses started out as a basket case.

++++++++

Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited
until you try to sit in their pews.

++++++++

Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisors.

++++++++

The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose,

but mosquitoes come close.

++++++++

When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.

++++++++

Opportunity may knock once, but temptation
bangs on your front door forever.

++++++++

Quit griping about your church;

If it was perfect, you couldn't belong.

++++++++

If the church wants a
better pastor, it only needs to pray for the one it has.

++++++++

God himself does not propose
to judge a man until he is dead. So why should you?

++++++++

Some minds are like concrete;
Thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.

++++++++

I don't know why some people change churches;

You catch them - He'll clean them.

++++++++

Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.

++++++++

Don't put a question mark where God put a period.

++++++++

Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.

++++++++

Forbidden fruits create many jams.

++++++++

God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.

++++++++

God loves everyone, but probably prefers
"fruits of the spirit" over "religious nuts!"

++++++++

God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.

++++++++

He who angers you, controls you!

++++++++

The Will of God never takes you to
where the Grace of God will not protect you.

++++++++

We don't change the message, the message changes us.

++++++++

The best mathematical equation I have ever seen:
1 cross + 3 nails= 4 given.

++++++++

If this e-mail blessed you in a profound way today,

            They're Back! More Church Bulletin Bloopers:

Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
--------------------------------------------------------------
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
--------------------------------------------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------------------------------------------
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
--------------------------------------------------------------
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
---------------------------------------------! -----------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
--------------------------------------------------------------
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------------------------------------------
For those of you who have children and d! on't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
---------! -------- ---------------------------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
--------------------------------------------------------------
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
--------------------------------------------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
------------------------------------------------! --------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.   Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the, deceased person you want remembered.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment, and gracious hostility
----------------! ----------------------------------------------------------
Po tluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------! ------------------------------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours

The best vitamin for a Christian is B1.

Under same management for over 2000 years!

Soul food served here.

Tithe if you love Jesus! Anyone can honk!

Don't wait for the hearse to take you to church.

Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case.

Life has many choices. Eternity has two. What's yours?

Exercise every day, Walk with Jesus.

Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due.

Wal-Mart isn't the only saving place!

Jesus is here every Sunday, Are You?

Prevent truth decay. Brush up on your Bible.

It's hard to stumble when you're down on your knees.

What part of "Thou Shalt Not" don't you understand?

A clear conscience makes a soft pillow.

The wages of sin is death.

Repent before payday.

Never give the devil a ride. He will always want to drive.

Can't Sleep? Try counting your blessings.

Forbidden fruit creates many jams.

Christians, keep the faith...but not from others!

Satan subtracts and divides. God multiplies and multiplies.

To belittle is to be little.

Don't let the littleness in others bring out the littleness in you.

God answers knee-mail.

Try Jesus. If you don't like Him, the devil will always take you back.

Damn slow driver

>Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a
>State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to
>himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on
>his
>lights and pulls the driver over.
>
>Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in
>the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.
>
>The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand,
>I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
>
>"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know
>that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other
>drivers."
>
>"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed
>limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit
>proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to
>her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed,
>the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
>
>"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car
>ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep
>this whole time." the officer asks.
>
>"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

The English Language

English is difficult? You betcha!

Can you read these correctly .….. the first time?

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The landfill was so full, they had to refuse more refuse.

4) Please polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could be in the lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier chose to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, it is time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does strange antics when does are around.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong for us to wind the sail.

18) I shed a tear upon seeing the tear in the painting.

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) I need to intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, no ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple English muffins were not invented in England nor French fries in France.

Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese.

So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Is it not crazy that you can make amends, but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think the first 'teachers of the language' should have been committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. How is it that people recite a play and play at a recital; ship by truck and send cargo by ship; have noses that run and feet that smell??

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down; you fill in a form by filling it out and an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.This is why..

when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

P.S. Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick" ???

An Old Farmer's Advice:

* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight
and bull-strong.

* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a
John Deere tractor.

* Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.

* Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.

* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.

* Do not corner something that you know is meaner
than you.

* It don't take a very big person to carry a
grudge.

* You cannot unsay a cruel word.

   * Every path has a few puddles.

   * When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

* The best sermons are lived, not preached.

   * Most of the stuff people worry about ain't
never gonna happen anyway.

* Don't judge folks by their relatives.

* Remember that silence is sometimes the best
answer.

* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get
older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.

* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't
botherin' you none.

* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a
rain dance.

   * If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

   * The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever
have to deal with, watches
you from the mirror every mornin'.

   * Always drink upstream from the herd.

   * Good judgment comes from experience, and a
lotta that comes from bad judgment.

* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot
easier than puttin' it back in.

* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some
influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

* Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply.
Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

(you're gonna love this)

(it’s a real treat)

(a masterpiece)

(wait for it)

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)

Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!!

Have a GREAT day

I want to thank you for what you have already done. I am not going to wait until I see results or receive rewards. I am thanking you right now.

I am not going to wait until I feel better or things look better. I am thanking you right now.

I am not going to wait until people say they are sorry or until they stop talking about me. I am thanking you right now.

I am not going to wait until the pain in my body disappears. I am thanking you right now

I am not going to wait until my financial situation improves. I am going to thank you right now.

I am not going to wait until the children are asleep and the house is quiet. I am going to thank you right now.

I am not going to wait until I get promoted at work or until I get the job. I am going to thank you right now.

I am not going to wait until I understand every experience in my life that has caused me pain or grief. I am going to thank you right now.

I am not going to wait until the journey gets easier or the challenges are removed. I am thanking you right now.

I am thanking you because I am alive. I am thanking you because I made it through the day's difficulties. I am thanking you because I have walked around the obstacles. I am thanking you because I have the ability and the opportunity to do more and do better. I am thanking you because FATHER because you haven't given up on me.

DID YOU KNOW?
As you walk up the steps to the building which houses the U.S. Supreme Court you can see near the top of the building a row of the world's law givers and each one is facing one in the middle who is facing forward with a full frontal view ... it is Moses and he is holding the Ten Commandments!

DID YOU KNOW?
As you enter the Supreme Court courtroom, the two huge oak doors have the Ten Commandments engraved on each lower portion of each door.

DID YOU KNOW?
As you sit inside the courtroom, you can see the wall,
right above where the Supreme Court judges sit,
a display of the Ten Commandments!

There are Bible verses etched in stone all over the Federal Buildings and Monuments in Washington, D.C.

DID YOU KNOW?
James Madison, the fourth president, known as "The Father of Our Constitution" made the following statement: "We have staked the whole of all our political institutions upon the capacity of mankind for self-government, upon the capacity of each and all of us to govern ourselves, to control ourselves, to sustain ourselves according to the Ten Commandments of God.’’

DID YOU KNOW?
Patrick Henry, that patriot and Founding Father of our country said: "It cannot be emphasized too strongly or too often that this great nation was founded not by religionists but by Christians, not on religions but on the Gospel of Jesus Christ".

Every session of Congress begins with a prayer by a paid preacher, whose salary has been paid by the taxpayer since 1777.

Thomas Jefferson worried that the Courts would overstep their authority and instead of interpreting the law would begin making law, an oligarchy, the rule of few over many.

The very first Supreme Court Justice, John Jay, said: "Americans should select and prefer Christians as their rulers."

How, then, have we gotten to the point that everything we have done for 220 years in this country is now suddenly wrong and unconstitutional?

Please forward this to everyone you can. Lets put it around the world and let the world see and remember what this great country was built on.

Thank you!!

I was asked to send this on if I agreed or delete if I didn't. Now it is your turn...

Subject: History Test

Please pause a moment, reflect back and take the following multiple choice test. The events are actual events from history. They actually happened!

Do you remember?

1.   1968 Bobby Kennedy was shot and killed by:
          a. Superman
          b. Jay Leno
          c. Harry Potter
          d. a Muslim male extremist between the ages of 17 and 40

2.   In 1972 at the Munich Olympics, athletes were kidnapped and massacred by:
          a. Olga Corbett
          b. Sitting Bull
          c. Arnold Schwarzenegger
          d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

3.   In 1979, the US embassy in Iran was taken over by:
          a. Lost Norwegians
          b. Elvis
          c. A tour bus full of 80-year-old women
          d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

4.   During the 1980's a number of Americans were kidnapped in Lebanon by:

     wheelchair by:
          a. The Smurfs
          b. Davy Jones
          c. The Little Mermaid
          d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

7.   In 1985 TWA flight 847 was hijacked at Athens, and a US Navy diver trying to rescue passengers was murdered by:
          a. Captain Kidd
          b. Charles Lindberg
          c. Mother Teresa
          d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

8.   In 1988, Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed by:
          a. Scooby Doo
          b. The Tooth Fairy
          c. Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid
          d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

9.   In 1993 the World Trade Center was bombed the first time by:
          a. Richard Simmons
          b. Grandma Moses
          c. Michael Jordan
          d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

10.   In 1998, the US embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed by:
          a. Mr. Rogers
          b. Hillary Clinton, to distract attention from Wild Bill's women problems
          c. The World Wrestling Federation
          d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

11.   On 9/11/01, four airliners were hijacked; two were used as missiles to take out the World Trade Centers and of the remaining two, one crashed into the US Pentagon and the other was diverted and crashed by the passengers. Thousands of people were killed by:
          a. Bugs Bunny, Wiley E. Coyote, Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd
          b. The Supreme Court of Florida
          c. Mr. Bean
          d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

12.   In 2002 the United States fought a war in Afghanistan against:
          a. Enron
          b. The Lutheran Church
          c. The NFL
          d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

13.   In 2002 reporter Daniel Pearl was kidnapped and murdered by:
          a. Bonnie and Clyde
          b. Captain Kangaroo
          c. Billy Graham
          d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

       Nope, ..I really don't see a pattern here to justify profiling, do you? So,
to ensure we Americans never offend anyone, particularly fanatics intent on killing us, airport security screeners will no longer be allowed to profile certain people. They must conduct random searches of 80-year-old women, little kids, airline pilots with proper identification, secret agents who are members of the President's security detail, 85-year old Congressmen with metal hips, and Medal of Honor winning and former Governor Joe Foss, but leave Muslim Males between the ages 17 and 40 alone lest they be guilty of profiling.

       Let's send this to as many people as we can so that the Gloria Aldreds and other dunder-headed attorneys along with Federal Justices who want to thwart common sense, feel doubly ashamed of themselves -- if they have any such sense. As the writer of the award winning story "Forrest Gump" so aptly put it, "Stupid is as stupid does."

       Come on, people, wake up!!! Keep this going. Pass it on to everyone in your address book. Our Country and our troops need our support.

       And guess who just attacked London and Egypt?

I OWE MY MOTHER

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

In keeping with Valentines Day I think this is appropriate although it is a little long.

INSTALLING LOVE

Tech Support: Yes, how can I help you?

Customer: Well, after much consideration, I've decided to install Love.
Can you guide me though the process?

Tech Support: Yes. I can help you. Are you ready to proceed?

Customer: Well, I'm not very technical, but I think I'm ready. What do I do first?

Tech Support: The first step is to open your Heart. Have you located your Heart?

Customer: Yes, but there are several other programs running now. Is it okay to install Love while they are running?

Tech Support: What programs are running?

Customer: Let's see, I have Past Hurt, Low Self-Esteem, Grudge and Resentment running right now.

Tech Support: No problem, Love will gradually erase Past Hurt from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory but it will no longer disrupt other programs. Love will eventually override Low Self-Esteem with a module of its own called High Self-Esteem. However,
you have to completely turn off Grudge and Resentment. Those programs prevent Love from being properly installed. Can you turn those off?

Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?

Tech Support: With pleasure. Go to your start menu and invoke
Forgiveness. Do this as many times as necessary until Grudge and
Resentment have been completely erased.

Customer: Okay, done! Love has started installing itself. Is that
normal?

Tech Support: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program.
You need to begin connecting to other Hearts in order to get the
upgrades.

Customer: Oops! I have an error message already. It says, "Error -
Program not run on external components." What should I do?

Tech Support: Don't worry. It means that the Love program is set up to
run on Internal Hearts, but has not yet been run on your Heart. In
non-technical terms, it simply means you have to Love yourself before
you can Love others.

Customer: So, what should I do?

Tech Support: Pull down Self-Acceptance; then click on the following files: Forgive-Self; Realize your Worth; and Acknowledge your Limitations.

Customer: Okay, done.

Tech Support: Now, copy them to the "My Heart" directory. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching faulty
programming. Also, you need to delete Verbose Self-Criticism from all directories and empty your Recycle Bin to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.

Customer: Got it. Hey! My heart is filling up with new files. Smile
is playing on my monitor and Peace and Contentment are copying
themselves all over My Heart. Is this normal?

Tech Support: Sometimes. For others it takes awhile, but eventually everything gets it at the proper time. So Love is installed and running.
One more thing before we hang up. Love is Freeware. Be sure to give
it and its various modules to everyone you meet. They will in turn
share it with others and return some cool modules back to you.

LET'S RETIRE AT THE HILTON

No nursing home for me! I'm checking into the Hilton. With the average cost per day of a nursing home reaching $188.00, there is a better way when we get old and feeble.

I have already checked on reservations at the Hilton. For a combined long-term stay discount and senior discount, it's $49.23 per night. That leaves $138.77 a day for:

It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Hilton will take your reservation today. And you are not stuck in one place forever, you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city.

Want to see Hawaii? They have a Hilton there, too. The wonderful Hilton Hawaiian Village and Spa.

TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything and apologize for the inconvenience.

The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maids check to see if you are OK. If not, they will call the undertaker or an ambulance.

If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip and Hilton will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

And no worries about visits from the family. They will always be glad to find you, and probably check in for a few days mini-vacation. The grandkids can use the pool. What more can you ask for?

So, when I reach the golden age I'll face it with a grin. Just forward all my e-mails to the Hilton!"

Upon telling this story at a dinner with friends and a little too much red wine, we came up with even more benefits the Hilton provides to retirees:

If you want to travel but are a bit skittish about unfamiliar surroundings, in a Hilton you'll always feel at home because wherever you go, the rooms all look the same.

And if you're getting a little absent-minded in your old days, you never have to worry about not finding your room--your electronic key fits only one door and the helpful bellman or desk clerk is on duty 24/7.

I told Stephen Bollenback, CEO of Hilton this story. I'm happy to report that he was positively ecstatic at the idea of us checking in for a year or more at one of their hotels. He said we could have easily knocked them down to $40 a night!

See you at the Hilton...and not just for a "Bounce Back Weekend"...but for the rest of our lives!!!!!

MEDICAL CHARTS

4. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

5. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

Memo from God:

Effective immediately, please be aware that there are changes you need to make in your life. These changes need to be completed in order that I may fulfill my promises to you to grant you peace, joy and happiness in this life. I apologize for any inconvenience, but after all that I am doing, this seems very little to ask of you. I know I already gave you the 10 Commandments. Keep them. But follow these guidelines, also.

1. QUIT WORRYING: Life has dealt you a blow and all you do is sit and worry. Have you forgotten that I am here to take all your burdens and carry them for you? Or do you just enjoy fretting over every little thing that comes your way?

2. PUT IT ON THE LIST: Something needs done or taken care of. Put it on the list. No not “YOUR” list. Put it on “MY” to-do-list. Let “ME” be the one to take care of the problem. I can't help you until you turn it over to me. And although my to-do-list is long, I am after all, God. I can take care of anything you put into my hands. In fact, if the truth were ever really known, I take care of a lot of things for you that you never even realize.

3. TRUST ME: Once you've given your burdens to me, quit trying to take them back. Trust in me. Have the faith that I will take care of all your needs, your problems and your trials. Problems with the kids? Put them on my list. Problem with finances? Put it on my list. Problems with your emotional roller coaster? For my sake, put it on my list. I want to help you. All you have to do is ask.

4. LEAVE IT ALONE: Don't wake up one morning and say, "Well, I'm feeling much stronger now, I think I can handle it from here." Why do you think you are feeling stronger now? It's simple. You gave me your burdens and I'm taking care of them. I also renew your strength and cover you in my peace. Don't you know that if I give you these problems back, you will be right back where you started? Leave them with me and forget about them. Just let me do my job.

5. TALK TO ME: I want you to forget a lot of things. Forget what was making you crazy. Forget the worry and the fretting because you know I'm in control. But there's one thing I pray you never forget. Please don't forget to talk to me - OFTEN! I love you. I want to hear your voice. I want you to include me in on the things going on in your life. I want to hear you talk about your friends and family. Prayer is simply you having a conversation with me. I want to be your dearest friend.

6. HAVE FAITH: I see a lot of things from up here that you can't see from where you are. Have
faith in me that I know what I'm doing. Trust me, you wouldn't want the view from my eyes. I will continue to care for you, watch over you and meet your needs. You only have to trust me. Although I have a much bigger task than you, it seems as if you have so much trouble just doing your simple part. How hard can trust be?

7. SHARE: You were taught to share when you were only two years old. When did you forget?
That rule still applies. Share with those who are less fortunate than you. Share your joy with those who need encouragement. Share your laughter with those who haven't heard any in such a long time. Share your tears with those who have forgotten how to cry. Share your faith with those who have none.

8. BE PATIENT: I managed to fix it so in just one lifetime you could have so many diverse
experiences. You grow from a child to an adult, have children, change jobs many times, learn many trades, travel to so many places, meet thousands of people, and experience so much. How can you be so impatient then when it takes me a little longer than you expect to handle something on my to-do-list? Trust in my timing, for my timing is perfect. Just because I created the entire universe in only six days, everyone thinks I should always rush, rush, rush.

9. BE KIND: Be kind to others, for I love them just as much as I love you. They may not dress like you, or talk like you, or live the same way you do, but I still love you all. Please try to get along, for my sake. I created each of you different in some way. It would be too boring if you were all identical. Please know I love each of your differences.

10. LOVE YOURSELF: As much as I love you, how can you not love yourself? You were created by me for one reason only - to be loved, and to love in return. I am a God of Love. Love me. Love your neighbors. But also love yourself. It makes my heart ache when I see you so angry with yourself when things go wrong. You are very precious to me. Don't ever forget that!
With all my heart, I love you.

There once was a little boy who had a bad temper.

His Father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every ! time he lost his temper, he must hammer a nail into the back of the fence.

The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence. Over the next few weeks, as he learned to control his anger, the number of nails hammered daily gradually dwindled down.

He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence.

Finally the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all. He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper.

The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone. The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence. He said,

"You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one. You can put a knife in a man and draw it out.

It won't matter how many times you say I'm sorry, the wound is still there. " A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one.

Friends are very rare jewels, indeed. They Make you smile and encourage you to succeed. They lend an ear, they share words of praise and they always want to open their hearts to us."

Show your friends how much you care. Send this to everyone you consider a FRIEND, even if it means sending it back to the person who sent it to you. If it comes back to you, you'll know you have a circle of friends.

YOU ARE MY FRIEND AND I AM HONORED!!

Now send this to every friend you have! And to your family. Please forgive me if I have ever left a hole.

THE POSITIVE SIDE OF LIFE:

  Living on Earth is expensive
   but it does include a free trip around the sun every year.

   How long a minute is
   depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

   Birthdays are good for you;
   the more you have, the longer you live.

   Happiness comes through doors you
   didn't even know you left open.

   Ever notice that the people who are late
   are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them?

   Most of us go to our grave
   with our music still inside of us.

   If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day,
   how come nothing is free yet?

   You may be only one person in the world,
   but you may also be the world to one person.

   Some mistakes are too much fun
   to only make once.

   Don't cry because it's over;
   smile because it happened.

   We could learn a lot from crayons:
   some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are   different colors....but they all exist very nicely in the same box.

   A truly happy person is one who
   can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

   Have an awesome day, and
   know that someone who thinks you're great has thought about you today!..

   "And that person was me.".....
   Please don't keep this message to yourself…send it to those who mean so much to you...

Working for God on earth does not pay much,

but His Retirement plan is out of this world.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

--- Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

--- The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

--- Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?

--- I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, and new knees. I fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. I have bouts with dementia. I have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

--- A 97-year-old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered." "Sir," replied the doctor, "you're 97. Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?" "You're right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!"

--- An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

---My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

--- Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

---I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.

---I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.

---It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

---The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our boobs. The bad news is they have to squat down first.

---These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

---I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but they haven't made one called "Buns of Putty."

---Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.

---Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up!

--- Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing.

- --THE SENILITY PRAYER: Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now, I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 10. Oh heck, send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are...

Southernosity

Only a Southerner knows the difference between a ‘’hissy fit’’ and a ‘’conniption fit’’, and that you don't "Have" them, you "Pitch" them.

Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."

Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is -- as in: "Going to town, be back directly."

Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.

All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.

Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece."

They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.

Only a Southerner both knows and understands the difference between a ‘’redneck’’, a ‘’good ol' boy’’, and ‘’po' white trash’’.

No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.

Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines. We don't do "queues," we do "lines"; and when we're "in line," we talk to everybody!

Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.

Southerners always refer to more than one person as "ya'll’’.

Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.

Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that ‘’red eye gravy’’ is also a breakfast food; and that ‘’fried green tomatoes’’ are not a breakfast food.

When you hear! someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!

Only true Southerners say "sweet tea." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea unsweetened.

And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30mph on the freeway. You just say, "Bless her heart" and go your own way.

Those of you who're still a little embarrassed by your ‘’southerness’’ -take a dose of ‘’two biscuits and sausage gravy’’ and call me in the morning! And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff, bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to have classes on ‘’Southernness’’ as a second language! And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a long time, ya'll need a sign to hang on ya'lls front porch that reads, "I aint from the South but I got here as fast as I could."

Bless your hearts, ya'll have a blessed day.

                        …….(Keeps it REAL Simple)

1.   God is number one... and das' All.
2.   Don't pray to nuttin' or nobody... jus' God.
3.   Don't cuss nobody. 'specially da Goood Lord.
4.   When it be Sunday... pass yo'self by God's House.
5.   Yo mama an' yo daddy dun did it all... lissen to dem.
6.   Killin' duck an' fish, das' OK... people - No!
7.   God done give you a wife... sleep wit' jus' her.
8.   Don't take nobody's boat... or nuttin' else.
9.   Don't go wantin' somebody's stuff.
10. Stop lyin'... yo tongue gonna fall out yo mouf!

TEN THINGS GOD WON'T ASK ON THAT DAY.

1... God won't ask what kind of car you drove. He'll ask how many people you drove who didn't have transportation.

2... God won't ask the square footage of your house. He'll ask how many people you welcomed into your home.

3... God won't ask about the clothes you had in your closet. He'll ask how many you helped to clothe.

4... God won't ask what your highest salary was. He'll ask if you compromised your character to obtain it.

5... God won't ask what your job title was. He'll ask if you performed your job to the best of your ability.

6... God won't ask how many friends you had. He'll ask how many people to whom you were a friend.

7... God won't ask in what neighborhood you lived. He'll ask how you treated your neighbors.

8... God won't ask about the color of your skin. He'll ask about the content of your character.

9... God won't ask why it took you so long to seek Salvation. He'll lovingly take you to your mansion in Heaven, and not to the gates of Hell.

10... God won't have to ask how many people you forwarded this to. He already knows whether or not you are ashamed to share this information with your friends and neighbors

All Americans didn’t come over on the same ship, but they’re all in the same boat today ……

Nothing’s wrong with modesty unless you have nothing to be modest about ……

Kids are like ketchup bottles … you have to hit ‘em to keep ‘em working ……

Foreign Aid … the poor in a rich country support the rich in a poor country ……

The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn …..

Good friends are like angels. You don’t have to see them to know who they are ……

> >
> >A little boy went up to his father and
> >
> >asked: "Dad, where did all of my
> >
> >intelligence come from?"
> >
> >The father replied. "Well son, you must
> >
> >have gotten it from your mother,
> >
> >cause I still have mine"
> >

> >      _____
> >
> >Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very
> >
> >carefully," the divorce Court Judge said,
> >
> >"And I've decided to give your wife $775
> >
> >a week."
> >
> >"That's very fair, your honor," the
> >
> >husband said. "And every now and
> >
> >then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself,"
> >
> >      _____
> >
> >A doctor examined a woman, took the
> >
> >husband aside, and said, "I don't like
> >
> >the looks of your wife at all,"
> >
> >"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But
> >
> >she's a great cook and really good with the kids.
> >
> >      _____
> >
> >An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him
> >
> >if he can remove a curse he has been living with
> >
> >for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe,
> >
> >but you will have to tell me the exact words that
> >
> >were used to put the curse on you.’’
> >
> >The old man says without hesitation, "I
> >
> >now pronounce you man and wife."
> >
> >      _____
> >
> >A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks,
> >
> >"Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from
> >
> >San Francisco to New York City?"
> >
> >The agent replies, "Just a minute..."
> >
> >"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
> >
> >      _____
> >
> >Two Mexican detectives were investigating
> >
> >the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
> >
> >"How was he killed?" asked one detective.
> >
> >"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.
> >
> >"A golf gun? What is a golf gun?"
> >
> >"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."
> >
> >       _____
> >
> >A guy has been sitting in a bar all
> >
> >night staring at a blonde wearing
> >
> >the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally
> >
> >his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks
> >
> >over and asks, "How do you get into those pants?"
> >
> >The young woman looks him over and
> >
> >replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink."
> >
> >      _____
> >
> >Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
> >
> >Joe: "Really?"
> >
> >Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't
> >
> >believe in hell."
> >
> >      _____
> >
> >While shopping for vacation clothes, my
> >
> >husband and I passed a display of
> >
> >bathing suits. It had been at least ten
> >
> >years and twenty pounds since I had
> >
> >even considered buying a bathing suit, so I
> >
> >sought my husband's advice.
> >
> >"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I
> >
> >get a bikini or an all-in-one?"
> >
> >"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd
> >
> >never get it all in one."

Hands!

A basketball in my hands is worth about $19.
A basketball in Michael Jordan's hands is worth about $33 million.
It depends whose hands it's in.

A baseball in my hands is worth about $6.
A baseball in Mark McGuire's hands is worth $19 million.
It depends on whose hands it's in.

A tennis racket is useless in my hands.
A tennis racket in Venus Williams' hands is a championship winning.
It depends whose hands it's in.

A rod in my hands will keep away a wild animal.
A rod in Moses' hands will part the mighty sea.

It depends whose hands it's in.

A sling shot in my hands is a kid's toy
A sling shot in David's hand is a mighty weapon.
It depends whose hands it's in.

Two fish and 5 loaves of bread in my hands is a couple of fish sandwiches.
Two fish and 5 loaves of bread in God's hands will feed thousands.
It depends whose hands it's in.

Nails in my hands might produce a birdhouse.
Nails in Jesus Christ's hands will
produce salvation for the entire world.
It depends whose hands it's in.

As you see now it depends whose hands it's in.
So put your concerns, your worries, your fears, your hopes, your dreams, your families and your relationships in God's hands because...
It depends whose hands it's in.

This message is now in your hands.
What will YOU do with it?

It Depends on WHO'S Hands it's in!!

WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN (AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN)

To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students...here is something to make you chuckle. Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.

And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit!!!!!"

"No Way!"

"Yes way!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.

"Why"

"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked! "Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?" asked the Father.

"I don't know," said Eve.

"She started it!" Adam said

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"DID NOT!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

ADVICE FOR THE DAY:

Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day.

IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:

"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!

Wrong E-Mail Address

A couple from Michigan, who were both in marketing, decided to go to
Florida to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. They planned
to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20
years earlier.
Because of their hectic travel and work schedules, it was difficult
to coordinate their flight schedules.
So, the husband left Detroit and flew to Miami on Thursday, with his
wife flying down from Chicago the following day. The husband checked
into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to
send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one
letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, he sent
the e-mail.
Meanwhile.....somewhere in Alabama, a widow had just
returned home from her husband's funeral. He
was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a
sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting
messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message,
she fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor,
and saw the computer screen which read:

From: Your Husband
Sent: Tue, 3/1/2004 5:45 PM
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived

I know you're surprised to hear from me.
They have computers here now and you are allowed to
send e-mails to your loved ones.

I've just got all checked in and I see that
everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking
forward to seeing you then!

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here

You know you're living in 2005 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is
that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in
a business manner.

7. You make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get
an outside line.

8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three
different companies.

10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.

11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.

12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see
if anyone is home.

13. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the
screen.

14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have
the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for
panic and you turn around to go and get it.

15. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your
coffee.

16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)

17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward
this message.

19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on
this list AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself. Go on, forward this to
your friends...you know you want to!

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in, body used up, totally worn out & screaming WOO HOO - What a Ride!"

Church Marquee Signs

The English Language

LET'S RETIRE AT THE HILTON

MEDICAL CHARTS

Memo from God: